Reason one: If the minutes of meetings were accurately recorded they’d be a cross between a Virginia Woolf stream-of-consciousness novel (your boss), The Neverending Story (his boss) and The Invisible Man (you). No wonder we like to have them behind closed doors.

Reason two: They last so long that the meeting room’s like a second home — except that you don’t generally go for a Spearmint Rhino look with paper cups and mini-Bounty wrappers everywhere. A weak chairman and a few individuals who’ve seen Michael Douglas in Wall Street are all that’s needed to make sure listening to others is kept to a minimum — just as well considering the number of people in the early stages of REM.

Reason three: An increasing number are scheduled at ridiculous times. The breakfast meeting; what’s that all about?

Reason four: If you’re a woman and the tea arrives, you’ll probably have to be mother. For most men, pouring is the next best thing to cross-dressing in front of colleagues.

Reason five: The staff association meeting can’t be anything but acrimonious, because no one working in an office ever feels their true needs are being met. Management reps — “I think you’ll find we’re doing everything to meet your vestigal rights, legally speaking, and not every kitchen has a sink like ours” — will put you in the picture pretty quickly.

Next week: Computers

Malcom Burgess is the author of 500 Reasons Why I Hate the Office, published by Icon Books. Order it from Times Books First for £9.49 (free postage in the UK). Call 0870 1608080 or visit www.booksfirstbuy.co.uk

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