Jeremy Clarkson
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It was announced recently that this year in Britain three pairs of jeans will be sold every second. Immediately, Her Majesty’s Daily Telegraph launched an attack on the nation’s middle-aged men for continuing to believe they look good in denim trousers.
We were told – again – that once you reach the age of 45 you should never, even if nobody’s looking, wear jeans. It was all right when you were 20 and at a Status Quo gig. But they do not sit well on a body swollen by age and one or two too many sherbets. Blah blah blah.
Now look. It’s all very well for women to say this kind of thing, because women have a great deal of choice when it comes to getting dressed in the morning. They can wear a long skirt, a short skirt, a dress, a pair of tracksuit bottoms, leggings, jeans, trousers, shorts or – if they feel like it – a coat with nothing on underneath.
Men, even if they care about their grooming, do not have anything like that range of possibilities. A skirt is right out, unless you are Scottish, and Scotsmen, as a general rule, don’t give a stuff about what they wear. Just so long as the sick washes off easily.
Shorts are only possible if you are an Australian. Tracksuit bottoms are unsuitable unless you are a professional footballer with a training engagement. Leggings are right out. And in the whole of human history, no man has ever thought for a moment that his wife will become aroused if he meets her for a cup of coffee wearing nothing but a gabardine raincoat and a pair of PVC boots.
Suits are largely for work, so if we are not allowed to wear jeans, that leaves us with trousers. But what sort?
Flat front? Pleated front? Corduroy? Cotton? Linen? The choice is plentiful, but how are we supposed to know what shop sells which. And how – even if by some miracle we happen upon a retail establishment that offers a wide range of differing styles – do we know what looks good without spending hours and hours in a cubicle trying the damn things on?
This – and I’ll take no argument on the matter – is the most miserable thing a man can do. Given the choice of trying on a pair of trousers in a shop, or being beaten to death by an African tribe that wants to eat my genitals, I would take the tribe.
The first pair you try never fit. Not even close. You wheeze and you pant and you suck your stomach in until bits of it are pushing against your cerebral cortex and your eyes are 5in in front of your face, but it’s no good. So, in a space the size of Alec Guinness’s box, you take them off again, put your own strides back on and paddle across the shop in stockinged feet to get a bigger pair. Which aren’t in stock. So you go bigger still and end up with something that has a waistline broadly similar in circumference to the rings of Saturn.
Eventually, after you’ve tried all the options from five different brands and you’re bathed in sweat, and the only ones that fit are see-through and egg-yellow, you give up and decide to try another shop. So you trudge back to the car, retrieve the parking ticket, drive round a bit, find another parking space, go into the next place and find it’s a chemist’s.
Get this straight, ladies. This. Is. Not. Fun. Any man who tells you he enjoys trying on clothes – and you can trust me on this – is not the sort of man who finds you sexually attractive. Even if you are Uma Thurman.
What’s more, if I see a man looking good in a pair of trousers, I know what hell he’s been through to find them. This can only mean his life is empty, shallow, pointless, and that he’s vain and possibly homosexual.
This is why I only wear jeans. They’re easy to buy. You walk into a shop and say: “Can I have three pairs of 36in boot-fit 501s?” Two minutes later you walk out and your shopping for the year is done, which means you have more time to see films, work, play with the children and generally have a nice time.
I don’t care how they look because I can’t see them – they’re hidden from view beneath the veranda that is my stomach. And it doesn’t matter anyway because as I’ve said before, if people can’t see your penis, you can consider yourself to be properly dressed. The end.
On this basis, it would be sensible to suggest that if a car has four wheels and a seat, it will do. But no. A chap – even the most straight, jeans, blazer and Boden sort of bloke – will spend hours poring over brochures, colour charts and price lists. Some, I’m told, will even read Autocar magazine. A few, apparently, can understand it.
Choosing what car to buy next is probably more fun than actually buying it. And on that basis, one of the most fun sectors of the market right now is the small convertible with the folding metal roof. What’s it to be? The Renault, the Peugeot, the Ford, the Vauxhall, or the subject of this morning’s review, the Volkswagen Eos?
I’d been looking forward to this car because I like convertibles and I like the Golf GTI, and when all is said and done, the Eos is a convertible Golf GTI. Better still, the model they sent round was the 3.2 V6. So actually it was a convertible Golf R32. Yum.
It certainly looks good, mainly because the roof breaks down into five sections rather than the usual two. This means the boot doesn’t have to be the size of the Boeing factory to accommodate it. It also means you get more space in the cabin. Most cars of this type bill themselves as four-seaters but they’re nothing of the sort. In the Eos, there really is space in the back for two adults. Though obviously they won’t want to sit there when the roof’s down because, as I’ve explained many times, the only person who ever looked good in the back of a convertible was Hitler. Everyone else just looks windswept.
Other good things. Well, there’s a sliding glass sunroof for when you don’t want the entire roof folded away. There are two rollover bars that spring from the rear headrests if sensors think you’ve overcooked it. You get the brilliant DSG gearbox as standard. And with 247 horsepowers on tap, it’s pretty sprightly.
Then things start to go a bit wrong. First of all, the car I tested is a whopping £28,427 and even if you go for the 2 litre turbo, it’s still a mildly stratospheric £23,667. This might, just, be all right if you felt like you were sitting in a car with noticeably better quality than, say, the Ford. But you aren’t. Everything you touch – the window switches, the gearlever and the plastic around the key slot – feels cheap. And you get scuttle-shake.
VW says the Eos was designed to be a convertible from the ground up, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like that when the roof is down. It feels like the front and the rear ends are connected by Plasticine. But worse still is the handling. Utterly devoid of any sense of flair, it feels rubbery and disconnected and completely uninterested in providing the driver with anything that might remotely be called “a thrill”. This would be fine, I suppose, if it were a refined and comfortable cruiser, but it isn’t – the ride is far too harsh.
Sadly then, the Eos doesn’t really cut the mustard. It’s clever and it looks good but the Ford Focus convertible is nicer to drive and much cheaper. Go ahead and have a test drive in both. It’ll be fun, since neither Ford nor VW will make you do it in a superheated phone box while being pounded by music you don’t like.
And no matter what shape you are, I guarantee they will have one in your size.
Vital statistics
Model Volkswagen Eos Sport 3.2 V6 FSI
Engine 3189cc, six cylinders
Power 247bhp @ 6300rpm
Torque 244 lb ft @ 2750rpm
Transmission Six-speed DSG automatic
Fuel 30.7mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 219g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 7.3sec
Top speed 153mph
Price £28,427
Rating
Verdict Nice engine, but overall, so-so
Big problems with leaks from the roof as reported by Chris and Kate and Patricia. My seals were changed but now they say I have water ingress. VW cant fix the problem they've had the car since September. Help I want my money back!! The interior of the car got so wet it had to be removed to dry out.
Barbara, Chester, UK
At last a car to take the place vacated by the Karmann Ghia convertible - and with much more space, a vastly superior driving experience and top-class build quality. Are Ford paying JC's mortgage and supplying his aged aunts with free Fiestas?
Peter Martin, Belfast,
I agree with Chris in Manchester if it's raining or has been raining when you open the doors the water flows in as if it's pooling somewhere in a sill. This is also a problem when opening the boot. As such after 9 months of British weather I now have quite a musty smelling car!
Kate, Newport, South Wales
Err...
... Chris from Manchester. I think your expectations of what is covered in the VW warranty might be a tad unrealistic. Expecting to remain dry with the window down, whilst tootling round Manc during the rainy season, might be your downfall. The gentlemen from Wolfsburg are not "dragging their feet" they are probably confounded by your British sense of humour. Keeping the window shut might cure it.
Jonathan , Richmond, North Yorkshire
I have had my Eos since Nov 07 and really love it. I'm looking forward to the summer so that I can enjoy it more with the roof down.
However I do have one small problem which is becoming a big problem as Volkswagen are dragging their feet on this one- when it is raining, if I open the doors or the front windows water drips in, onto my leather seats and onto me!
But because only a few people are either experiencing this problem or some are not reporting this problem it is not deemed as a priority to volkswagen to solve.
Please if you are experiencing this problem contact your local dealers and request this is sorted.
Chris, Manchester, UK
Dont know what colour the sky is in JCs world but it certainly isnt blue, I have been driving an Eos 3.2 for the last 3 moths and the car is fantastic in every way, noise levels are very low and comparing the quality build to that of a ford is like putting perfume on a pig, there is no comparison, Mr Clarkson please give us some constructive chritisism instaed of your biased opinions.
Bob Crosbie, liverpool, England
I am trying to work out how the Eos is like a Golf with its roof chopped off?
The dimensions of the Eos is wider than the Golf. I've driven both the Eos 2.0T and the Golf GTI, and definately the Eos is wider!
The VW Eos is very solid, and I noticed it has plenty of head room compared to the competition. As for the Ford Focus, I don't think it's as good looking or functional. The VW Eos with the 18" wheels and sports suspension, it's sticks to the road very nicely.
With the roof closed, I love the idea of the sunroof, especially when it rains! A nice open feel top-down or top-up.
JJ, Sydney,
My hire car was upgraded at no extra cost to a VW EOS during a long weekend in Spain recently and they had to force the keys from my hand when I came to hand it back. I shed a tear as the mini bus whisked me back to the airport. Four days and a thousand K of sheer delight. I WANT ONE! Ronda to Marbella on clear starlight night, with the roof down, unforgetable. Try it, you wont be disappointed.
Melvin, Ipswich,
As a rule, I would normally take the great J.C's word on anything motor related. However, as he, like myself, is over 6' and having driven both cars, I wish to know which end of his body did he have 6" amputated.
Where as the Eos can easily accomodate a 6'+ person with rear legroom to spare, the Focus would decapitate my childs legs below the knees. Not just satisfied with reducing my kids to amputees, in the event of an accident. with the roof down, the windscreen/roof line would reduce my height by the required 6" to actually drive the Focus with the roof on.
Accidents apart, getting in or out of the Focus, Megane and Peugeot. requires a 6 week course in Limbo dancing, making the additional cost of the Eos, the respectable and easier option .
As for the drive ! did he take it out the morning after a few bottles of Chateau la Footwash? (Lessons from James required.) There is no comparison between the cars in it's class. Having test driven all the above cars,We put our money with VW
Colin Ensor, Barry, Vale of Glamorgan
My Eos has the 2.0 petrol turbo engine - great! It does 26mpg even though I enjoy the performance - great! It has the optional suspension and bigger wheels package which transforms the handling - great! The roof doesn't leak and the windows don't bounce because I bought a bottle of Krytox and treated every bit of rubber I could find. Waterproof and silent - great! Please don't buy one because I'm enjoying the sense of driving something quite exclusive - GREAT!
Derek, Warwick, UK
I love my brand new EOS , it is a brillant car , JC should go on a diet.... but a diet is not needed to enjoy the roomy Eos !!!
Liz , S, Cornwall, united kingdom
You know what? I don't care what Jeremy thinks! I love my Eos!
Summer and winter! Have had it since last October, and it still puts a grin on my face every time I drive it...
Lillemor Pedersen, Kristiansand, Norway
volswagen eos beautiful motor, waited almost a year for delivery and got it in january, however she has been back numerous times due to leaky roof seals, these have been replaced and as she leaked again at the weekend i want my money back!! help
patriciametcalfe, newcastle upon tyne, united kingdom
And they never have another hooks or hangers in the changing rooms, so that your own clothes end up in a heap on the floor.
Frank Upton, Solihull,
Craghoppers Kiwis from Millets for the win!
John Ferguson, Ballymena,
I solve this problem by just wearing whatever my wife buys for me and tells me to wear...
Very funny and informative article. Thanks.
Bruce, Shamong, New Jersey
Well big J, I am 50 and can still fit into my Lewis leather jeans I brought 30 years ago when I ride my aging Kwaka Z1. I still wear jeans and believe or not can still see my tackle without a mirror. (Doing martial arts for the past 34 years has helped). Nice review I still prefer my old Lotus Eclat 501 for fun though.
K. Lovick, Ingatestone, Essex
Let's hope that Mr Clarkson's absolute insistance that he would rather be beaten to death by an African Tribe than
try on a pair of trousers in a store isn't something that gets tested out. I rather suspect that we would see a slightly different attitude on display if it did. He is only having a bit of a laugh, I know, but likely as not most of the people who have beaten someone to death (whether an African Tribe or some wannabe writer) were probably just having a bit of fun and didn't really mean any harm or intend to offend anyone.
Stewart Fox, Worthing, England
Jeremy Clarkson, a 36inch waist??????? Thats about as believable as Paris Hiltons defence attorney. No wonder you 'You wheeze and you pant and you suck your stomach in until bits of it are pushing against your cerebral cortex and your eyes are 5in in front of your face'....Try a 40 jeremy. Then with some lube and a shoehorn, getting in jeans may not be as bothersome.
stuart, sheffield,
Mr C ..I love your ramblings and wish you would hoick that big fellow out of his assumed seat at No 10, get your Levi's into the chair and start clearing all the male-cow-droppings that we have endured for the last 10 years . And while you're at it get all these ludicrous road taxes swept away or else use them to reduce the price of petrol. I wouldnt be averse to you if you got your chum Gill to sort out the bits you cant be @rsed to deal with. The two of you always seem to have a bit of a wheeze when you go on your jollies, so we are all destined to have a lot more fun once the two of you are driving the country at a speed you enjoy !
Adam, Oxford, UK
To quote the Times (20th May 2007):
"The Eos, with its clever stacking roof system, fantastically stiff and robust construction and fine looks is clearly a cut above the Focus/Astra mob. Its refined, good to drive and offers more than vestigial room behind its rear seats. If you cant quite stretch to a BMW 3-series convertible, this is a fine alternative."
Thanks for making choosing a new car so much fun!!!
P.S. Mine are 36" but I wear the 38's when I visit the Shahi for a Balti ;-)
Nick, Nuneaton, UK
To quote The Times (20 May 2007)
"The Eos, with its clever stacking roof system, fantastically stiff and robust construction and fine looks is clearly a cut above the Focus/Astra mob. Its refined, good to drive and offers more than vestigial room behind its rear seats. If you cant quite stretch to a BMW 3-series convertible, this is a
fine alternative."
Thanks for making choosing my new car so much fun!!!
BTW, Mine are 36" but I wear the 38's when I visit the Shahi for a Balti.
Nick, Nuneaton, UK
Dear Ash from Australia, might I point out the list is of the small convertibles with a folding metal roof? The Roadster coupe has a folding fiberglass roof. Also, you can't honestly say it's in the same category, can you?
Jena, Helsinki, Finland
I disagree Ash, of Seaford Australia. It's not drivel, it's blinkin' funny! It is possible to write about more than one subject at once.
Thanks Clarky for making me chuckle during a dull working day!
Being a girl, I can only comment rather broadly on cars of course. I really like the blue ones........and kittens........sewing.......
Christina , London,
Yet, just as mythical is the steering feel and fun factor in her namesake here ...
Ryan, Johannesburg, South Africa
Is this section about bloody cars, or clothing, and absolute Drivel..................................
Out of all the small convertible available today there is only ONE car that is a true engineering masterpiece which Clarkson fails to mention (give up your support for Ford Europe) is the Mazda Roadster Coupe (MX-5), the rest are just make believe.
BTW..I wear shorts... in summer....
Ash, Seaford, Australia
Yvette, is a cobbled together mixture of really quite old Saab pieces and newer Vauxhall pieces credible? Personally, my choice'd be a 328i cabriolet (E36)
Marco, bhm, uk
Great looks and VW's desirable image make the Eos an attractive choice, but its beauty Is more than skin deep. Solid build quality, a broad engine line-up and good driving dynamics boost its appeal, while the clever sunroof is unique in this sector. And although the Eos is pricier than rivals, it is a welcome addition to the coupé-cabrio fold.
And what does Clarkson know anyway so I bought an EOS and it is brilliant and a real statement. Loving evey minute behind the leather steering wheel. Love the sliding sun roof too which also sets this model out from the competition. OK the extra weight blunts the superb Clarkson loved GTI engine but only a little.
steve dean, Wigan, UK
Does the Eos come with Denim upholstery like the old Beetle?
Jack, London, UK
Men are preprogrammed to wear 'em.
Jeans are in the genes.
Trousers solution:
have 6 pairs made-to-measure with
Hallie wotsit as your tailor. She'll soon have you panting...
Leigh Vernier, Riyadh, KSA
Unlike folding-roof convertibles, Levi's 501 jeans will never go out of style. Good enough for Chuck Yeager and Steve McQueen, good enough for me.
Mike, Austin, Texas, USA
In Greek mythology, Eos was the Titanic goddess of the Dawn.
Dawn Montgomery, Hamilton, Canada
I could get into 36" jeans if the tribe ate my wosnames.
eric, harrogate, uk
I tend to dig Mr. Clarkson's colorful comments on cars, but I'd have to disagree on a few things regarding the Eos...
I drove one with 5K miles on it, as well as owning one with 1K miles on it now. One of the biggest issues for me was how solid the car felt and the interior materials. I have used the international auto shows here in the states to kind of do my own review of cars...
I think the 2.0T trim offers the best value for the money at around $30K US. You get some nice 17" lemans, mudflaps and some proper monster mats and you have a road warrior(ess?) ready eos for about $32K US. I found the interior plastic and vinyl comperable to a car 10K more. And its not a GTI convt. , for starters it heavier, different balance and a strengthened chasis. I find it hard to see how a hardtop convertable at this price can match all of the attribites that clarkson attempts.. which is why the BMW hardtop is close to 20K more, and volvo 10K. Rent one and see.
arthur argote, anytown, usa
You left one important factor out of the clothe buying nightmare - the music. Clothes shops, desparate to convey that they're hip and cool, have decided that their customers needed to be treated to a nice case of deafness. Awful.
Some genius in marketing must have decided that customers really like 140 decibels of Brittany when buying their business suits. I bet the person responsible would love the Eos, which is why I intend to force them off the road when I see them.
Mike, London,
The 36" must refer to leg length, not waist size.
Fred, Peterborough, UK
36" jeans?
Presumably buying them for a slimmer friend, Jeremy?
Ashers, northampton,
Excellent view on menswear. I am 48 years old and still wear jeans. I have black trousers for work, one pair of black shoes, two pairs of trainers, a pair of flip-flops and 18 cars. Real men don't like shopping and only buy their shoes in the sale. Women note that we couldn't give a toss what we look like - I mean look at all those sad b@stards that have a receding hair line and a pony tail - surely that is proof enough !
Dmitry Zakhorovic, Taipei, Taiwan
No way can he fit in 36 inch jeans
Nigel McGonigle, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
for 28+k I think I'd push the boat out and buy a BMW 335 convertable,or even just get the 2l se for 30k.
I'm 48 and wear jeans most of the time,I think I look ok,I'm not over weight,I use to be a roadie for HM bands ilong long ago in a galaxy far far away,so I feel I've earned the right to wear jeans until I take that final journey,when I wont give a dam what I look like!!
P.S. Jezza,ease up on the rambling and more about the product.
cheers,JL.
john lowdon, WASHINGTON, T&W
I'm 7'1". They don't have one in my size - but then I don't really want one anyway.
Bill, seriously - the Finns have a lot more money per capita than you do.
Tom, London,
If they're African and tribal, they must be cannibals... right?
And anyway, what about the Saab 9-3 convertible? Handsome, driveable and credible.
Also... if you don't enjoy shopping, go to a department store - they have (almost) everything under one roof. I'd have thought that someone that just bought a Lambo could probably afford to buy tailor made trousers.
Yvette Kendall, London,
It's boot-cut for a start, a typical error from Jeremy on the subject of style. And whatever jeans he's wearing look like drainpipes on a dandelion anyway, so why comment? Get on with writing about the car comprehensively thanks.
Perce, London,
Why would anyone take a perfectly good car and take the roof off? Yesterday, I watched the members of the Farnham and District car club carefully drive their rather looked after vehicles, some built to follow a man with a red flag around the town to a car park to be admired.
The better ones models had one thing in common, a roof.
Antony Rigby, Farnham,
I wonder if it sounds anything like as good as the Golf R32 does?
Dean, Geelong, Australia
Okay, it's a nine year old car so I should expect some broken plastic parts -- but I really wonder about the quality of the plastic used in my 98 New Beetle. I think they use better plastic in disposable water bottles. The specific plastic parts that disintegrated include the reclining seat dials (or knobs), the hood (or bonnet) release clip, and the entire catch mechanism to fold down the rear seat for cargo.
It's shameful that VW throws all its surplus deutch-marks into ego driven luxury car makers. If they can't find good plastic they should use metal, or apply their engineers to useful projects!
Terry, Hawkesbury, Canada
I think jeans suit you ignore the bitchy Telegraph advice; whoever wrote the piece is probably just jealous that they dont have the confidence to carry them off with the same élan. Or secretly fancies you and is in denial.
Janet, Leeds, UK
I wear shorts during our brief spells of natural global-warming called Summer.
I also take a lot or care about choosing them-
I'm not Australian, I'm not homosexual - I'm a disabled person.
Despite Jeremy's overt display of discrimination on topics various, he may be wary of the following subject.
I'm a user of the Motability Scheme, which buys 5% of all new year vehicles sold in the UK annually; That's vastly more real vehicle sales than Jeremy can ever hope to imagine/influence, which is probably why he doesn't ever feature Motability in print, or on TV!
Michael, Bournemouth,
"Id been looking forward to this car because I like convertibles..."
Excuse me Jeremy, but when did you start liking convertibles?
I thought you hated the fact that they added weight to the car to compensate for the lack of a roof.
And you thought that everyone who drives them looks a fool?
Mr Confused, London,
Eos is the Welsh word for Lark (the feathered variety). Need I say more?
Al Hughes, St. Petersburg, USA/Florida
why are all these Finnish people commenting on convertibles? Nobody can afford one anyway.
Bill, paris, texas
Jeremy, surely 36" waist jeans would errm, cramp your style rather painfully, in lieu of the 40" ones?
Juha, Auckland, Sheepshaggia
You forgot the Volvo C70. Great car with folding metal roof, good quality and nice handling. Even though it's slightly more expenisve, but it's a lot better car.
Lauri, Helsinki,
Presumably this mythical tribe are Amazons,or is there something about you we don't know....?
Greg Hughes, Port Macquarie NSW, Australia
The growing number of hard-top convertibles has left consumers with a wide range of choices, at varying prices. This is a very good thing. The VW Eos continues to be one of my favorite, somewhat reasonably priced drop-tops, simply based on looks and the nifty roof as well. Personally, I didn't really recognize the quality issues addressed here, but then again, the closest competition to the Eos here in America is the Pontiac G6 convertible (read Vectra drop-top) and the Chrysler Sebring (utter crap). The VW seems Audi-like by comparison to the other two, and at least in my opinion, comes off as the better buy even with the 2.0T compared to the other's standard V6 engines.
But if I was really in the market for a convertible, I'd likely choose the MX5 or the Sky (Opel GT).
Brad Y, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA