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From The Sunday Times
May 25, 2008

I was assaulted by a Japanese loo

Jeremy Clarkson

Superficially Japan is the most foreign, odd and complicated place this side of Jupiter’s third moon. Yet, strangely, every time I go there it’s like I’m being reunited with a long-lost twin brother.

Think about it. It’s an overcrowded island nation that in recent history has enjoyed great power. What’s more, the Japanese have a fondness for good manners, bureaucracy and - when the chips are down - great cruelty.

They drive on the correct side of the road. They have a royal family. And because they have built a society over thousands of years, they can tell where someone went to school, where they live and what their dreams and hopes are for the future simply by watching them hold a chopstick.

In the same way, we know everything about a person if we discover they have a set of serviette rings.

There’s more. We used to laugh when Clive James showed us those Japanese game shows in which contestants were made to eat slugs and go to work with their underpants full of stick insects. “How weird,” we thought. But then, just a few years later, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was sitting up to her neck in a vat of maggots.

I’ve been terrified recently that we in Britain have been sliding towards the American system, with our malls and our enormous bottoms. I’d much rather we had continued to walk in step with the Japanese, who are now so civilised that they have a system on the roads where the bus driver lets the car go first and you are allowed to smoke pretty much everywhere. As I enjoyed a cigarette and a beer with a group of friends in a Tokyo bar last week I thought how much more wonderful Britain would be if we adopted a similar policy.

Perhaps because of this relaxed attitude, Japanese people can expect to live longer than anyone else on Earth. Like the French and the Icelanders, who also smoke a lot and eat well, they have a good chance of reaching 100. It’s only slaves to the American way who drop dead in a gym, aged six.

There is, however, one aspect of Japanese life that is neither similar to the system we have in Britain nor something we should covet: going to the lavatory.

This is a fairly standard procedure over much of the globe. Except in Germany, where you are invited to inspect your stools with a lollipop stick before flushing them away. Unfortunately, though, the Japanese have examined the simple water closet and decided that it could be improved with some electronics. The result, I’m afraid, is a disaster.

It’s why the Japanese economy is now in such a mess: all their top people and scientists are stuck in their bathrooms, unable to wipe their bottoms.

First of all the seat is warmed - and there is no way for the round-eye to know this, which means I had to sit there imagining the heat had come from the lorry driver who’d been the last person to use the motorway service-station cubicle. This is unnerving. Soon I became convinced that it was possible to catch encephalitis from the latent heat of a Japanese lorry driver’s bottom.

Wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible, I turned and discovered to my horror that the loo roll had been replaced with what can only be described as the Starship Enterprise’s dashboard. And it was all in Japanese.

The first button I pushed, with a trembly finger, made the seat get even warmer. Realising that unless I acted quickly I’d be cooked, I stabbed at another button - which made a gout of liquid nitrogen shoot up my bottom. So hurriedly, and in great pain, I turned a hopeful-looking knob that simply redirected the fountain into my scrotum.

In a state of some distress I pushed a slider control all the way down and immediately got a pretty good idea of what it might be like accidentally to impale yourself on the fuel rod from a nuclear power station. I was now in real trouble.

And I didn’t understand why. Who would want to steam-clean their nether regions? Who wants a lavatory seat that can reach the same temperature as a barbecue? And, conversely, who gets up in the morning and thinks: “I know, I’ll stop off at the Brue Boar services this morning and deep-freeze my testicles”?

Which brings me on to the next question. Why is it necessary to have directional control for the fountain of fire and ice? I can understand why a lady might need - and even enjoy - such a feature. But for chaps it’s jolly painful.

And then there’s the problem with the flush. The first button I pressed filled the cubicle with karaoke tunes. The second started the tap in the corner. It wasn’t till I got to the sub-menu in the eighth quadrant that I was treated to the sound of water being sucked away.

Unfortunately it was just the recording of a flush being played through the WC’s speaker system. Am I missing something here? I can think of no reason anyone might want to convince people in neighbouring cubicles that they are flushing the bog when in fact they are not. And why would you want to play this sound at a volume that could kill bats? Because, trust me, you can.

Finally I leant over the unit to see if there was a conventional handle, and somehow while doing this I made a jet of water squirt into my crotch. Which meant I eventually emerged from the cubicle looking as though I hadn’t bothered to lower my trousers. Everyone in the restaurant laughed at my misfortune. And once again I felt very much at home.

I can't stop laughing after reading this. My grandparents actually love the japanese toilet and they actually bought and installed one in their home!

Wayne, Sydney, Australia

like others said, u dont know how much grateful u would be for the warmed seats when its freezing at 0 degrees during winter.

asians are very sensitive towards others thats why.
and to avoid misadventures like that, make some time to learn a bit of the language before u go to the country!

Jojo, Sapporo, Japan

For some reason, my bottom is happier when in Tokyo than London or the US. Some combination of food and bottom-cleaning toilets.

Dave, Vero Beach,

The simulated flushing noise -- and the karaoke, I expect -- are because apparently many Japanese women finding it terribly embarrassing to think that anyone might hear them "doing their business". The link below has more information:

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/06/03/gadget-in-japanese-p.html

Joel, Ann Arbor, United States

I think a few too many people here have been reading 'Watching the English'.

John Milner, Hong Kong,

Here's a hint for everyone who's lost on a Japanese toilet: *Ignore the star trek dashboard* and look for a conventional handle. 90% of the toilets here have electronics for everything but the flush.
And one more: In Tokyo, you can smoke in the pub, but you're not allowed to smoke *outside*.

Martin, Tokyo, Japan

And we know everything we need to now about a person if they use the word 'serviette' instead of 'napkin'.

Gatz, chelmsford, UK

You guys just don't understand the Clarkson hidden agenda. BBC endures his cheeky chappie, xenophobic, homophobic, racist, male chauvinist banter, because he bad-mouths and denigrates Japanese automotive products, in particular grey imports, thus to protect UK's "Treasure Island" auto industry.

Andrew Milner, Yokohama, Japan

OK. I'm Japanese. I'll tell you what they are all about. Heated loo seats - just to protect you from the shock of your bottom touching a stone-cold seats. WC's speaker system - we are embarrassed by our private noise we make in the cubicle. You see, we are very considerate and sensitive people.

Yumi Penrose, London,

Blond on top, predominantly pink, yellow or turquoise in the middle, with long multicoloured extensions, and when not gazing admiringly at their own reflection in a mirror, they are gazing into the display screen of a mobile communications device (usually pink also) from which there dangles an assortment of baubles and indispensable gizmos.

High-school uniforms, navy blue or grey in colour, pleated skirts hoisted up as high as decency will allow. Thick white, woollen socks drooped in multiple folds around the ankles. Hair dyed blonde, brunette, or simply red. Cellular phone at the ready, consulted constantly. Gathered in gossiping groups of three or four, occasionally high-pitched squeals of delight will pierce the night as the latest i-mode or photo message arrives invisibly through the ethers.

Smartly conservative in long-sleeved blouse with button-up collar, long skirt and matching top, the standard uniform required by their employer in bank, shop or office. Hair cut short and black, freshly washed and brushed, their countenance compliant with their position, smiling, shy, self-effacing, polite, and submissive.

Scantily clad bodies sway, feather fans in bright pastel shades of pink, yellow, green and blue swirl to the pounding beat of dance music. They jostle for space to be seen as they dance together on raised platforms which circle the floor. Flashing lights reflect off glittering, glitzy costumes in a blaze of sensuous, colourful confusion.

It is Saturday night and the J-Girls are out on the town.

Michaek Curley, Morges, Switzerland

I'm desperate for my fifth working visit to Japan and to play with the latest technical bog. My last visit was pure joy on discovery of directional hot/cold water/air jets on the MkIV model -- unlike my first when the toilet door was kicked down by hotel flunkies after I pressed the panic alarm...

Trevor Franklin, Peterborough, UK

This may be simply a progression on from the idea of wearing clean underwear just in case you are involved in an accident? Having a steam cleaned anus would probably mean you were ready for pretty much anything.

Andy Cottingham, Honiton, UK

I've never been to Japan, but i definately want to now!

Carla, Saxmundham,

Jeremy, you are sooo right! Just returned from my first holiday in Japan and the hi-tech loos were one of the highlights - much better than the squat-style which are widely used there as public loos. I have a PhD, but unfortunately not in Japanese loo technology which would have been very useful!

H S, leicester, UK

For Mark , Chicago, IL
Get a life! Im 16 proud to be English. We dont hate "all" americans just americans like you, the ones with no sense of humor, get over yourself its Clarkson take it with a pinch of salt and laugh about it. Patrick, Chicago, USA you hit the nail on the head. good lad.

JonKelly, Leicester, England

But we have these wretched wash-down lavs that waste water and just don't do the job. Most advanced countries have efficient syphonic bogs but for some reason we are stuck in the 19th century,

Frank Upton, Solihull,

I think this is a classic case of the grass is greener, the states simplify it too much -eat burgers, make you feel good. Japan over complicate things - loo roll too simple, add some electronics! Right smack dab in the middle Europe has things just about right...hold a referendum on it!!!

brian ahern, Limerick, Ireland

Jeremy - you can also find out a lot about people simply by seeing if the use they word "serviette" instead of "napkin".

Richard Watt, Tai Hang, Hong Kong

Jeremy,
The Japanese are very shy about bodily noises. The sound of flushing masks the goings-on in the stall. There is a lot said about the Japanese love of nature, but it is not a love of the natural.

Ann Frick, Swansea, UK

Daniele, the one thing italians are the best at is 'self promotion'. You don't even make the top ten in the oldies list:

Andorra : 83.51
Macau : 82.19
San Marino : 81.71
Singapore: 81.81
Hong Kong: 81.59
Japan: 81.25
Sweden: 80.51
Switzerland: 80.51
Australia: 80.50

Tom, Sapporo, Japan

Sorry, but Italian and not Japanese people can expect to live longer than anyone else on Earth. See the statistics and we have the older politicians too.

daniele malavolta, modena, italy

There's more about Japan that you really missed & would have enjoyed: the vending machines for soiled knickers!

ian cheese, london, uk

I find Clarkson hilarious; I'm laughing out loud reading his account of a few moments in time from his Japanese holiday. I'm an American, proud as can be and Clarkson's words don't bother me a bit. Here's why: 1) it's satire 2) it's funny 3) he's very rarely said anything I found to be unfair!

Patrick, Chicago, USA

I get a weird feeling about this article. Are we sure this is not an attempt by Clarkson to upstage Max Mosley by releasing details of his personal life to the media?
I can see it now, MI5 run establishments for the painful experience of Japanese loos and an entrapment by the British plumbers union

keith gerrard, norwich, norfolk

#1 fattest nation to the #3 fattest nation - we get it! You hate America. Your article would have been funnier had you not insulted us again. It is geting old and I am sure others are being turned off by your nagativity
Americans reading this - copy Clarkson and love your country, dont insult it!

Mark , Chicago, IL

for Susan: I like Americans crying that your petrol prices are high.... Compare what we pay in Europe. Especially here in Czech Republic with 2 US $ liter while average income is about 800 US $. So please stop it. JC's right as always. So many stupid things invented every day.

Tom, Karlovy Vary, Czech Republic

There was a product recall on this type of toilet about 12 months ago in the US, so I dread to think what injuries were caused and how they are described in the inevitable lawsuits. I'll stick to the bog-standard variety, thank you very much.

Sue, Felpham,

Really good laugh, Jeremy. I can understand the japanese love for technology, but even I agree the toilets seem pointless. I think I know why you have a hose and a heater. Because of all the enviro-communists trying to save paper. Damn tree huggers.

Christopher Jordan, Belfast, Northern Ireland

There is one in London in a japanese resaurant called Sake in Smithfields market if anyone wants to try for themselves.
In other parts of Asia they have a 'croucher' where you take the weight on your knees, I know which I prefer.

Ben, London,

Andrew, if you have both arms in slings, how can you press any of the numerous buttons?

On second thoughts, don't answer that.

Kate, London, UK

The hi tech loo is the development of Crappers original and the Japanese are to be congratulated on spending money and developing the state of the art loo.It is strange and sad that Clarkson who professes to understanding torque and horsepower (but not kilowatts) cannot wipe his bum in Japan.

hortense vaughan, london, uk

Your ''Japaese Loo' article brought to mind a character I worked with at the G.L.C. in the mid seventies. He patented a similar device which used a windscreen washer and sundry other ingenuities. I wonder if he has since made his fortune.

NOEL CUNNINGHAM , Burlington, CANADA

I live in Nagano, where houses are not insulated and in the winter it's often just as cold inside as it is outside, which is plenty. At a time like that, a warm toilet seat is a blessing, believe you me!

Robert Weingart, Ueda, Nagano, Japan

Do a lot of people have both their arms in slings in Japan Andrew?

Because otherwise I am with Clarkson on this one. Sounds like WAY to much.

Judy, Ridgecrest, United States

I loved Grant, Singapore's description of his friends experienec. Still laughing.

Richard, London,

I'm American, and I've never been to the gym. Thank you very much. I smoke, drink and laugh at everything, especially America. I like V8 too...but warmed toily seats? Hm...I don't get out enough. I can't afford to drive a car..not for 5 years now.

Susan, Trumansburg, USA

If you jokers that try to ridicule advances in personal hygiene had both arms in a sling, you appreciate those Japanese spray lavatory seats a hell of a lot more.

Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan

Simple answer Jeremy: do what any seasoned traveller does in Turkey and bring your own paper!

Adrian Gilbert, Tonbridge,

The reason that some public facilities have the sound effects is that women will often flush the toilet (while using it) to disquise the sound of certain not-so-dainty bodily functions. Having electronic sounds cuts down on wasted water...

Dan B, Yokohama, Japan

Heated toilet seats are a wondrous thing! In the middle of a freezing January night (and it will be, because there's no central heating), you stumble to the toilet , foregoing the toilet slippers (another cultural pit) and, although your extremities are turning blue, at least your bum's toasty warm.

Cas Todd, Kyoto, Japan

Those ‘Sony” loos are constant source of amusement, a few years ago a colleague was carted off to hospital after being electrocuted when he tried to blow dry his ring using the toilet’s built in hot air fan, he got zapped after some water leaked into the fan motor from the sprayer.

Grant, Singapore, Singapore

JC:

Thank you for the laugh! I've been overdue. Of course, my wife/kids are asleep, so cackling at midnight is a bad idea. My sides now hurt from stifling a laugh

And for those worried about the carbon footprint of a japanese loo, may I suggest taking up a hobby? You desperately need one (or two)

Loo-Loo, East Coast, USA

puhlease-is that klingon.
and my feet are clean-no carbon on them.

fraser, singapore, singapore

Puhlease - you guys are so full of self-righteousness - look to your own carbon footprints, instead of wasting your time criticising the Japanese, and not having a good laugh with Clarkson!

Jacqueline Tuagwalder, Antibes, France

Hi,
This could mean there is a nasty nib in the air.
Regards Dr. Terence Hale

Terence Hale, zandvoort, Holland

The first laugh I've had today, as am buried under finals revision - shame I had to swallow it as I'm fairly sure laughing in the library is illegal. Cheers for the semi-giggle though!

Victoria, Cardiff,

There is one american tradition I could cope with: V8.

Rui, Lisbon, Portugal

It's true. There is nothing more disconcerting in life than a warm lavatory seat.

Paul Owen, Birmingham, UK

Those heated seats are awful - I used to live in the mountains in Japan, where rather annoyingly they don't have central heating so when the snow is thick on the ground lots of nasty cockroaches, spiders etc like to take refuge in those hot toilets. Nice eh!

louise, guadalajara, mexico

I've also been caught out. But I'm still trying to work out the meaning of the sign that said: "Not to be used for the other purpose"....Any ideas, anyone?

David, Guildford, UK

We're sitting over here feeling guilty about using the car and flying on planes, whilst over there their sanitation system leaves a bigger carbon footprint that Bigfoot!

Alice Vane-Tempest-Stewart, County Durham, England

such a lot of energy wasted on operating the loo. and here we are fretting over our carbon footprint.

anthony wong, london, uk

This has happened to me several times in Japan, especially the accompanying soundtrack...we used to call it "rap while you crap"...

John, Toronto,

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