As an undergraduate, I shared a house with ancient historians and literature buffs. While reasonably tolerant of me, they were dismissive of law students as a breed – and regarded us as a uniformly dull and avaricious bunch. I sought in vain to explain that, contrary to popular belief, there are numerous distinct species to be found in any given land law seminar . . .

Young Rumpole

Has an unfeasibly bouffant hairdo. His baritone echoes through the faculty corridors, followed by the manly thud of slapped backs. Mooting fails to provide sufficient opportunities for him to practise so he weaves it into everyday life. Tutorials are a chance to present lengthy and passionate moral defences of fictional characters. At lunch he picks pedantic arguments with canteen staff.

Sloaney Layabout

Young Rumpole likes to socialise with Sloaney Layabout and sometimes wishes he shared his insouciance, as well as his taste in rugby shirts. Layabout does not enjoy studying, but he does approve of the law. It’s traditional, masculine and certain — or at least it would be if the idiot Government wouldn’t keep changing it. He often has no idea what anyone is talking about.

Activist Lawyer

With her cropped hair, shemagh scarf and badges, Activist Lawyer cuts a striking figure. Scowling at both injustice and her fellow students, she notes that none has yet volunteered for her community pro bono surgery.

Bentham’s Pupil

Has studiously unkempt hair and an egg-stained corduroy jacket. He has a copy of Kelsen’s Pure Theory of Law secreted inside Dixon’s Modern Land Law. Throughout land law seminars, he wonders why he is being forced to retain astonishingly dull information about squatters, and instead tries to think hard about the Grundnorm.

Foreign Guy

From China. Though never entirely clear on what he expected from a British university education, he feels increasingly sure that it isn’t this.

Magic Trainee

At the front of the class, Magic Trainee neatly completes her 19th vacation placement application. As president of the Law Society, editor of the faculty journal and captain of the departmental hockey team, she will not encounter undue difficulty in securing a traineeship at one of the larger City firms. She wonders whether it would be physically possible to complete two vacation placements simultaneously. With time- management skills like hers, anything is possible.

The Plodders

Plodders anxiously fiddle with piles of scrappy notes, none of which is presented in plastic wallets. They judge that while their degree is useful, it won’t be until they embark on their LPCs that they’ll start amassing career-valuable knowledge. They consequently restrict themselves to doing the minimum required to scrape a 2.1. Though they might drop by on the Law Society’s boozing sessions, they tend to find Magic Trainee and Young Rumpole quite tiring company.

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