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11. If you have children, try to resolve arguments over them without involving the lawyers. You and your spouse will have to work together to meet the needs of your children long after you have parted from your lawyers, so try to keep them out of it. One child got so fed up with his parents wrangling over contract arrangements that he took to his father’s car with a golf club.

12. If you move, you can’t necessarily take the children with you. Children cannot be taken out of the jurisdiction without the consent of both parents and the permission of the court. If you pack up and leave with the children to another country, you may be guilty of the criminal offence of abduction and could also be contravening the Hague Convention.

13. Keep your mobile phone and computer locked. In our experience, a suspicious spouse will not hesitate to read your e-mails and text messages, particularly if they believe you are having an affair.

14. Private investigators will comb through everything. For some, particularly wives, doubts about their partner’s fidelity can be too much to bear and they may resort to hiring a private detective to satisfy their suspicions. Although private detectives have the benefits of modern technology at their disposal, the investigation will still be reliant upon them staking out your home and office and even trawling through your dustbins. Be warned: their brief may not be limited to your infidelity. It may extend to uncovering hidden bank accounts or assets.

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15. Keep your financial documents under lock and key. It is not unknown for an enterprising spouse to break into a brief case or raid a filing cabinet in the search for incriminating material.

16. Try to keep hostility to a minimum. The law does not apportion blame. There is no guilty party in divorce. So don’t write aggressive or insulting letters or text messages; they will only be shown to the lawyers, who will spend more of your money sorting out the repercussions.

17. Spend time finding the right lawyer. You will need to get on with your divorce lawyer – you could be spending a lot of time together. Don’t judge them on how much they charge per hour: an experienced family lawyer who sorts out the essentials and works swiftly will be more cost effective in the long run than a lawyer who charges a lower rate but may not be familiar with all the issues relating to your case.

18. Don’t try to do it on the cheap. It is essential that all matters are resolved quickly and all loose ends tied up. If your spouse’s claims are not properly dealt with at the time, you risk them knocking on the door years later, seeking more. As with everything else in life, you get what you pay for.

19. On the other hand, don’t spend hours on the phone to your lawyer. Your lawyer should always be supportive, but they’ll cost you money. If you need to get things off your chest, meeting a friend for a drink will prove to be a lot cheaper.

20. Tell your lawyer the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, however bad it may seem. Your lawyer will be able to carry out damage limitation. But if skeletons are pulled from the cupboard in front of the judge, when it is too late for your advisers to deal with them, it will severely prejudice your case.

Finally, try to maintain a sensible perspective and a sense of humour. Life goes on after divorce and chances are, once you’re able to focus on getting back to normal, you’ll be able to make back at least some of the money you feel you have unfairly lost.

Sue Bland and Anna Wagstaff are partners in the family law department at Mayfair firm Gordon Dadds

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