BEANS and beer are the way to every student’s, er, heart. At least that’s what universities are banking on. The Times Higher Education Supplement(March) says that universities may team up with companies with the same customers as them and market their product together. It’s a technique they’re learning from Comic Relief, which uses “affinity marketing” to get donations when customers buy Andrex tissues, for example.

Rigged phone-ins are flavour of the month at the moment and could be going local. Local Government Chronicle (March 15) reports on a phone poll by a local newspaper which asked readers whether Northampton Borough Council should publish details of its former chief executive’s pay-off. The Northampton Chronicle & Echo received a surprising 67 per cent “no” response, but says that when it investigated, it found that most votes had come from four phones, all owned by local Tories.

So, do something bad and you’ll get caught, right? There could be a slight hiccup in this adage when the national smoking ban goes live on July 1. Police Review (March 16) says that officers and staff at West Midlands Police are being helped to quit the habit by undergoing hypnotherapy provided by their force. There is no mention of how long they will need to be under the spell, so keep an eye out for slightly spaced-out-looking law enforcers. Couldn’t they just use nicotine patches?

A nicotine patch-style “car commuting replacement patch” is part of a “car quit kit” intended to get motorists to kick the driving habit, reports Local Transport Today (March 15). The transport operator First is collaborating with local authorities, hospitals and other large organisations that have problems with car parking. The “replacement patch” allows free use of First’s buses for a day. Does the kit also include a comfy seat, air-con, your favourite music and door-to-door service? There was no mention of these, folks.

It’s probably a good time to keep off the roads anyway, since the country could soon be dodging corpses in a morbid body obstacle course. That’s if GPs carry out their threat of refusing to sign death certificates in protest against their horrendous pay freeze. Doctor (March 13) says that the zero per cent pay award has prompted the British Medical Association’s General Practitioners Committee to come up with a course of action which could include boycotting Choose and Book, withdrawing from practice-based commissioning and refusing to sign death certificates and sick notes. Dead funny.

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