6. Water-filled brassiere
Patent no US4734078, issued 1988
All the mental effort expended on the mid 20th-century’s most famous
innovations – the First and Second World Wars – seems to have fixed many
inventors’ wilder imaginations on the straightforward business of creating
new killing machines, thus draining their eccentric energy for several
decades. It is only in the 1980s that we see a true return to form, with the
creation of impractical and useless gadgetry like this – a sort of Wonderbra
meets Waterworld. The American Inventor, James Moreau, explains it best (if
it can be explained): “A brassiere which surrounds the breasts with water,
so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each
breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a
fashion statement.” Even Madonna seems to have passed on that latter
suggestion.
7. Sound-muffler for covering the mouth
Patent no 4834212, issued 1989
It’s the invention that really makes you want to scream – but no one will hear
you. Moira and Frank Figone a couple from Belmont, California, created this
face-tube device to enable purchasers to “Yell or scream without disturbing
others, allowing them to vent built-up anger and frustration.” In this
fiendishly basic design, the interior of the flat-bottomed muffler tube is
coated with sound-absorbing foam. But here’s the clever bit: a microphone
can be included to pick up a some sound and activate a light display or
meter, “giving the user immediate visual feedback as to the intensity of
sound produced”. Because otherwise, you’d never know, eh?
8. A glove for courting
Patent application no GB2221607, issued 1990
In the world of invention, romance is never dead. Just complicated. Terry
King’s innovation aimed to assist couples who wish to maintain precious
palm-to-palm contact while holding hands on cold days. It’s a pair of gloves
knitted together into a single glove with a common palm section, but two
separate sets of fingers. Bless. However, if you and your lovey-dove find
yourselves running blissfully together through a frosty meadow and encounter
a tree, the result could be distinctly face-mushingly tragic if you run
either side of the trunk. That’s at least one good reason why the courting
glove doesn’t seem to have caught on.
9. Alarm-equipped fork
US patent 5,421,089, issued 1995
Are you a manic masticator or a superfast food shoveller? The cutlery creators
Nicole Dubus and Springfield Susan have come up with the just answer for
you: a fork with a built in timer and alarm. The timer’s circuitry is
connected to the handle of the fork and buzzes or lights up after a preset
time, ensuring that eaters leave sufficient space between forkfulls for
chewing 32 healthy times before swallowing. A must for business lunches and
candlelit dinners.
10. The trouser-cushion
UK patent application No GB2267208, 1993
You may need to sit down for this one. British inventor Michael Bayley decided
to put an end to standing nightmares by creating portable seat that you wear
on a waist-belt. OK, it’s a somewhat convoluted version of having a cushion
with a loop that goes through your belt. “The seat cushion is pivotable
between a stowed position and a seating position in which it hangs down so
that you can sit on it,” says the patent application. I can see one
possible practical use: musical chairs, though you may get beaten to death
by indignant toddlers.
— The European patent office’s searchable patents database is at http://ep.espacenet.com/
— United States Patent and Trademark Office’s database is at www.uspto.gov/patft/index.html
© John Naish 2008. Enough: Breaking Free From the World of More
(Hodder & Stoughton, £16.99), is published this week. It is available
from Times BooksFirst for £15.29, p&p free: 0870 1608080 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
