It wasn’t so much a Pre-Budget Report as a pre-election report. And why? Is there an election? Have I missed something? I watched and wondered when the Chancellor had decided that his life was so dull that it would be a thrill to dress up in Tory clothes. Alistair Darling, cross-dresser: who’d have thought it? And, if he had to steal their clothes, why didn’t he choose a better suit (no more grey, Alistair, the personality is grey enough).

Actually, Mr Darling did not stop with stealing the Tories’ clothes. It was more like he nicked the entire wardrobe, bedroom and, yes, house. Perhaps, in his secret, cross-dressing life, Mr Darling sees himself as some kind of master thief, able to break into any policy, no matter how Tory, and spirit it away. He is like a political Milk Tray man, but with scary eyebrows.

Yesterday he spread out his spoils for all to see. Mr Brown, who used to be so contemptuous of the Tories, was right there, giggling with glee like a schoolboy at his incredibly clever wheeze. The Tories were also shouting, though they were the cries of outrage. It was a noisy event: from the moment Mr Darling stood up, the Commons was ahowl.

The actual detail, as ever with these statements, was utterly baffling. Had the Chancellor raised taxes? Is a recession coming? And why is it that we are always better than Japan? No one knew and, it seemed, no one cared. Mr Darling may be a cross-dresser, but his delivery is dire. He has only one hand gesture: a little cupping movement, like square brackets but without the intrinsic excitement that real punctuation brings.

Mr Darling spoke for 33 minutes and the Tories screamed through much of it. Sound and fury peaked when the Chancellor mentioned the words “inheritance tax”. As Mr Darling revealed his most Tory policy yet, he even allowed himself a little bit of a swagger. I have never seen this before and hope never to see it again.

When the fake Tory sat down, the real Tory stood up. I speak (just in case you are as confused as the rest of us) of George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, who, it must be said, at least was wearing a better suit. Labour MPs, some of whom had looked confused during Mr Darling’s actual speech, now roused themselves to tribal fury. Mr Osborne hit a wall of sound.

He was Mr Angry. This was a desperate, cynical stunt. These were fake figures from a fake Government. It was all spin. And those were the nice things he had to say. He was so worked up that, at times, he actually seemed to splutter and his hands shook.

“We all know that this report was brought forward so that it could be the starting gun for the campaign before the Prime Minister took the pistol and fired it into his foot!” he cried. The Prime Minister, foot intact, looked even more pleased.

Mr Osborne began to rant. And why not? For remember, it is Mr Osborne who has been robbed here. “He talks about setting out his vision of the country,” he cried, looking directly at Mr Brown, “but he has to wait for us to tell him what it is!”

This was not leadership, announced George, it was followership. Followership? Oh dear. But he said it with passion, if not venom. The insults just kept on coming but, through it all, Mr Brown and Mr Darling never stopped looking extremely pleased.

It is doubtful if cross-dressers have ever looked quite so smug.

Buzzwords

Billion (50) Invest/ investment (34) Tax (31) Child/children (12) Growth (10) Inheritance (9) Education (7) Stability/ instability (6) Affordable/ unaffordable (6) Health (5) Britain (18) Poverty (7) Pension/Pensioner (7) Prudence (0) Purpose (0)

— It was the shortest ever PreBudget Report, despite also including the Comprehensive Spending Review, at 32 minutes —

— Gordon Brown’s shortest PreBudget Report was 37 minutes

— Mr Brown’s shortest Budget speech was also his last, earlier this year, at 51 minutes. His longest was 69 minutes, in 1999

—The shortest Budget speech, at 45 minutes, was delivered by Benjamin Disraeli in 1867

—The longest continuous Budget speech, by William Gladstone on April 18, 1853, lasting 4 hours and 45 minutes

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