FORGET the government bailout, we reckon that we will be saved by credit-crisis humour.

Take this story about the BBC’s business editor, Robert Peston. “Peston last night attained transcendence before converting himself into pure energy,” the website thedailymash.co.uk reported last week.

“Peston, or Ropesto the Ominiscient, is now a shimmering orb of light hovering about four feet above his chair at BBC Television Centre. He continues to break stories on the financial crisis, but it has now taken the form of perfect knowledge beamed directly into your mind.

“Across London thousands of ecstatic followers poured into the streets to celebrate Peston’s new form. Two goats were sacrificed outside JP Morgan as half-naked staff danced round a disco glitter ball.”

All hail Peston.

Love in a cold City climate

I THOUGHT that mistresses, along with the second Rolex and vintage Ferrari, would be among the first extraneous expenses to be cut. I was wrong.

In the past month, the number of City men seeking affairs has doubled. This is not based on any personal experience but on data from the extramarital dating site illicitencounters.com.

In the first week of October the average number of applications increased to 185 a day compared with 90 a day in the last week of September. “Membership applications from high-demographic males, living in the most affluent postcodes in London and who are saying that they are in financial services or banking has more than doubled in 10 days,” said Peter Lines of the delightful website, which has some 235,000 members.

He added: “Many of the profiles submitted make it absolutely plain that they are looking for daytime affairs in London because they are otherwise twiddling their thumbs at work.”

I do hope this hasn’t caused any unease over the cornflakes . . .

- Wall Street types are also finding creative ways to fill their time. Sam Zherka, owner of New York strip club VIP, said: “Since the market has been going down, our business has been going up.”

To cater for his new idle customers Zherka has introduced an extended lap dance. For $1,000 punters get a 20-minute performance in a private “champagne room”, a bottle of Dom Perignon and the girl’s g-string.Zherka wonders whether his clientele may be “depressed”.

- NEWS on the plight of the Sportingbet staffer languishing in a Turkish jail awaiting charges has been thin on the ground in recent months, but I hear there may be some positive developments afoot; a bail hearing has been scheduled for later this week, so fingers crossed it all happens.

The Turkish national, who works for Sportingbet in the UK, was one of two men arrested by the authorities there while visiting Turkey on holiday.

One of the pair has already been freed, and company bosses are hoping that his colleague will eventually be allowed home, too.

- LLOYDS Development Capital is planning to launch a new customer magazine called Character and the first edition will focus on character in the face of adversity. Apparently, the bank was inspired by Mark Beaumont, the young Lloyds-sponsored athlete who broke the world record for cycling round the globe last February. We’re not sure, though, whether he is truly inspirational. “What attracted me to my 195-day world record was not a love of cycling but a fascination with project management,” he said.

Next on the crunch agenda

HER voice has not been a prevalent one throughout the credit crisis but we think it’s high time to hear what model-turned-businesswoman Caprice has to say.

“My lingerie is being rolled out to 30 Next stores this month and is going to be the only ‘own name’ brand for them. Despite the melt-down all around us, my clothing ranges have not been affected.

“I have seen that, no matter what is happening outside, everyone is always going to need underwear!” Thank you, Caprice.

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