I MISS the fake Steve Jobs. Where is he when we need him most? The dotcom bubble may have burst but tech egos remain as inflated as ever, and the sadly deceased spoof Jobs blog popped them with a razor-sharp wit.

Not least among its victims was the Apple boss, Steve Jobs himself. Asked by a reader about Apple’s succession plan, Fake Steve replied: “My plan is to live for ever and to remain in charge here, though perhaps with fewer restrictions on my power. The truth is, I am not human — I am a man-god, son of Zeus, born to mortal woman but fathered by the ruler of the gods, lord of thunder.”

Sadly, when real chief execs take to the blogosphere, the results read like the greyest of gruel. You know they hate their rivals but they ain’t telling.

Not so Fake Steve. For him, Steve Ballmer, Microsoft’s excitable chief executive, was “monkey boy”, and his employees were “Microtards”. Nobody except Steve really “got it” and anyone who stood in his way was in for it.

Fake Steve had a running feud with Yoko Ono over the Beatles’ catalogue. After one memorable encounter, our satirical blogger wrote: “Sir Paul: Dude, I don’t know how you kept yourself from killing this dame back in the day. Now some pegleg is trying to shake you down. Life isn’t fair, my brother.”

There was a theory that the real Steve Jobs was writing — or at least contributing to — the Fake Steve Jobs blog, but it was obvious from the get-go this wasn’t a Jobs product. Apple likes smooth lines, and these edges were too sharp. Besides, the real Jobs has about as much of a sense of humour as Barack Obama.

Only Donald Trump out-self-promotes the Jobster. Everything he does is the most “transformative”, the most exciting, the most amazing thing. Ever!

The annoying thing about Jobs is he’s often right. Except about the iPhone.

I’ve always been an Apple man and was an early iPhone buyer. But much as I love my MacBook and iPod, the best thing I can say about the iPhone is the screen is so bright, it makes a good torch.

No e-mail search, no copy and paste — my BlackBerry was better. It looks good, but it would, wouldn’t it?

Not that any of these problems have dampened Apple’s ever-growing army of fans. Hundreds queued up outside Apple stores across New York this week for the next generation of cheaper, faster iPhones — just as they did for the last lot.

Usually Apple launches are smooth. Not so this time. The phones didn’t sync with computers as quickly as promised, and some people lost their e-mail service. It didn’t seem to be slowing sales, though.

Last summer some spoilsport outed Fake Steve as the Forbes writer Dan Lyons. Lyons has since mothballed the site. Sadly, we’ll never know what Fake Steve thinks of iPhone 2: Revenge of the Microtards.

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