Cracking the whip and beating a drum is no longer an acceptable way to get staff to pull their weight. Today it is more likely that you’ll be offered a performance-related bonus, an all-expenses paid weekend away to make up for working long hours and a manager who leads by example to inspire you to do your best. Who am I kidding? As ever, there is plenty of room for improvement when it comes to motivating people, according to these sorry tales:

Curb the enthusiasm of others. As a super-keen young apprentice in the Australian mining industry, eager to make a great impression, Ashley Semmens, a director at WCL, a change management consultancy, was somewhat taken aback when he was instructed to make less of an effort. His supervisor had a laid-back work ethic and told Semmens: “I’m not sure what they taught you in the workshop mate, but don’t work too hard. We’re not paid for that.”

Have an apple. When Victoria McFarland, a consultant at Human Assets, a business psychology consultancy, was working long hours at a large professional services firm, a senior partner dropped in to give a pep talk. “His advice was to make sure that we were eating plenty of fruit and vegetables and to go to the gym,” she says. “It seemed pointless to mention that we were in the office so late every night that we were living on pizza deliveries and that by the time we got back to the hotel, the gym was closed.”

Play dodgeball. There’s nothing quite like a sports day to bring colleagues together and leave them feeling eager for more, says Laura Piscaer, a graduate trainee at Burson-Marsteller, a PR firm. She cites the experience of a friend who works for a large bank in Canada that had to ban dodgeball from its list of fun – and safe – motivational sports. Employees went home with bruises after a team of traders decided to take out their frustrations and lack of sleep on the opposing team. Management later sent out a memo suggesting that staff play baseball instead.

What not to do when motivating people

It should come as no surprise that there are probably as many ways to demotivate people as there are to fire them up

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Fail the appraisal test. A performance review is a great opportunity to motivate employees by giving them useful feedback. Staff should emerge all fired up and eager to meet a new set of objectives, says Karen Wisdom, a research director at Ipsos MORI, a research firm. But it doesn’t always work out like that, particularly when those giving anonymous feedback are inadvertently named. “[In one] instance ... someone was being appraised on their assertiveness,” she says. “This person had an issue with assertiveness that tended on aggression and people said that. This person came out of the appraisal and physically assaulted [a] colleague.” In other cases, people have resigned on the spot, she says.

Forget who’s boss. There is nothing more frustrating than a manager who wants to talk about his or her problems rather than deal with yours, says Julia Middleton, the chief executive of Common Purpose, a training organisation. She once had to fetch a box of tissues for a manager who burst into tears after bemoaning his troubles for two hours. “He was all over the place,” she says. “A whole series of things go through your mind [including] ‘why is this guy paid three times more than me and [yet] I’m having to hold him up? I came in here for some clarity and you’ve just made it unbelievably worse’. I didn’t stay there very long,” she says.

Swallow the manual. Motivation is about getting to know people and understanding what makes each individual tick, says Guy Brown, a programme director at Newcastle Business School at Northumbria University. So when a manager at a local authority decided to try a textbook approach to motivation it failed miserably. The boss wanted the working day to be “fun, fun, fun” and attempted to consult the whole team on every decision until people were overloaded, Brown says. “It worked for some but it caused panic for others.” As a result staff turnover shot up and record numbers called in sick.

Make others suffer. Motivation fell to an all-time low at one firm when two directors decided to flout a complete freeze on travel expenses with extraordinary style, says Lorna Dakers, a director at Silent Edge, a sales training company. “The directors travelled to New York on Concorde and word leaked out that the pair also had an epic meal out,” she says. “The bill included £1,100 for a single bottle of wine.” Those left behind in London, walking between meetings, were suitably unimpressed.

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