1. Candles

Disappointing proof that traditional and old-fashioned doesn’t always equal green. Candles end up here for several reasons. They are even less efficient at producing light than incandescents, with nearly all their energy turned into heat. Most are made from fossil-fuel-derived paraffin wax. And they kick out a noxious cocktail of pollutants directly into your home, particularly the craft-shoppe perfumed ones. I guess you could overcome the fossil-fuel issue by exclusively lighting your house with candles made of beeswax or beef tallow, but this is surely an option for extremist smallholders only.

2. Free-range chicken

‘Free range’ sounds great but can in fact denote a fairly intensive method of chicken-rearing. Free-range birds must legally have access to the great outdoors for half of their 51-day life, where they must have 1 square metre of space each. Indoors, they are stocked at densities of thirteen birds per square metre. In practice, some of the free-range birds stuck in the middle of a big, closely packed shed may seldom see daylight. This doesn’t necessarily make for the happiest chicken or the nicest roast, but the tight densities and short life will make for relatively low energy use.

3. Soya milk

It lines the shelves of wholefood shops in both conventionally farmed and organic forms, offering a milky alternative to those for whom the whole dairy trip is a little too heavy. But can soya milk be green, given that on current projections the cultivation of soya beans will have destroyed a UK-sized chunk of South American forests and savannah by 2020? Soya cultivation is associated with vast monocultures and widespread use of GM technology. The brands that hang out in health shops are at pains to stress that their beans have a less environmentally destructive genesis. But they don’t mention health concerns over the plant oestrogens in soya products that are processed by modern methods. Those looking to avoid dairy altogether can find the calcium they need less controversially, from leafy vegetables and nuts.

4. Decaffeinated tea

It may be harsh to suggest that those wanting tea without the caffeine should seek another beverage, but it makes environmental sense. The stimulant is removed either with carbon dioxide gas under heat and pressure or with solvents: both of these are resource-intensive industrial processes that are entirely unnecessary. And the solvent method is said to remove the antioxidant goodness for which tea is famed. So if you ever ponder a cup of decaff tea with skimmed milk (another product from which the very essence is sucked, at extra effort, for no good reason), visualize that iconic polar bear teetering on melting ice and have a nice cup of nettle instead.

5. Pet cats

To get an idea of the environmental position of cats, it’s instructive to start by looking at inputs and outputs. Britain’s cats get through 425,000 tonnes of food per year and because this is clearly not enough, they also kill 220 million small animals and 55 million birds. Thanks to the concrete with which many feline habitats are paved, many of the animals’ outputs get washed into watercourses where they have an adverse impact on aquatic ecosystems. Even if cats can be persuaded to ‘go’ in a specific place, their litter, unless it is of an eco-friendly type, does not rot down and the deeply unpleasant parasites in their faeces can persist in the environment. And cats are not particularly popular as food in this country, disposal is an issue. But as to whether our owning them stops us from harming the environment in other ways, we’ll probably never know.

6. LPG cars

Liquefied petroleum gas offers one big benefit that other pale green options don’t: it’s cheap, currently about half the price of petrol or diesel thanks to lower excise duty. LPG conversions cost from £1,600, allow your car to run on petrol or the gas, but put an extra tank in your boot and also mean you will never be able to take the car through the Channel Tunnel again, should that be a problem (on account of the potential for explosion). LPG offers cleaner emissions but slightly less fuel efficiency than petrol; and in terms of CO2 performance it is on a par with petrol.

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